The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
