this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
