Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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