Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
