I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
