i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
