we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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