I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
