Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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