My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
