now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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