I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
