there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
