Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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