so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I look better un-naked...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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