Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
