When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
