I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I deserve this hangover.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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