everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
