i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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