did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
