I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
