I am in a vortex of obligation.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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