Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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