She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
