The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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