My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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