if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize