Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
