Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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