like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
