Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
