yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
