Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
