Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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