if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
