you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
