I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
