sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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