I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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