the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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