my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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