Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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