my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
