You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
