I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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