You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
FUCK WHALES
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