Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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