You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
