every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
