I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Randomize
