beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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