did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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