hotel room ftw
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
