I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
