The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
