I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
