the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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