so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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