I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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