and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
