I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
