Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I've blown a few things in my day
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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