you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
