And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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