i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
